I have been debating starting a blog for years. So much so
recently. I’ve felt such a sincere need to simply WRITE. To pour out some heart
and soul on paper with pen… or on a computer screen with keyboard. To release. To
acknowledge my true feelings. If I can’t run, why not write? Better yet, lately,
if I don’t want to run- then maybe I should just write... for now… and keep
telling myself “This is ok. I don’t HAVE to run. I don’t NEED to run. I can
wait until I’m READY to run.”
This desire to write has been brewing
within especially since I became pregnant this last time around (pregnancy #7) I have ONE 6 year old son. I
also have a 5 year old girl I claim as my stepdaughter- more on my life to come
in future posts. There have been so many things on my mind that I have wanted
to write about. A big one currently: YOUR/MY fitness and YOUR/MY pregnancy.
my angel baby
The fact that it’s
ok, although it may be hard to accept, to scale back the exercise and running (or
even to completely stop) when pregnant. That it’s ok if I’m not "that mom"- the
one you see with the fitness/parenting blogs, you know, the one you love to hate. The one who
does everything perfectly- runs marathons while pregnant and delivers a
healthy, full-term baby, keeps on running (and oh by the way, her pregnancy pace
was way faster than your normal race pace will ever be, and she also ran the day she
delivered.) The mama who lifts weights and her abs pop back out within DAYS (weeks)
of delivery. I wanted to be her so bad.
But my pregnancy was high-risk. I
stopped running and working out as soon as I knew that I might be pregnant. I wanted to be sure running hadn't caused any past losses. I told
myself I would enjoy eating and being lazy. That this might be my last chance,
my last pregnancy, my last excuse to sit around on my ass. And then I lost the
pregnancy. I lost yet another baby. Angel baby #6. I’ve had an intense
desire to grieve, to remember this baby, to talk about this baby, and this
pregnancy and the others and the losses- my BABIES, and the emotional roller
coaster you go through, not to mention the hormonal hell you endure. Of
course I need to analyze everything, what went wrong, what I could have done differently.
Why I should have just kept running, how the medications were just a waste. (I
know I didn’t do anything wrong. But it is totally normal to question yourself
in the grieving process.) A lot of blogs skip this part. Or they gloss over the
nasty stuff.
So you see these gorgeous women. These role models. You read their witty posts. You fantasize about their perfect lives. Their beautiful
baby bumps. Their ability to carry a healthy baby. Their ability to run,
work out, AND carry a baby! (and still look pretty!) You feel hurt, indignity,
and jealousy brew inside. And if you let it, that can consume you, overwhelm you, and depress you. So you must stay strong. You must try to be rational in a very irrational, hormonal, emotional state of being. You MUST remember, that these women are simply
women like you or me. They are NOT perfect. They have suffered their share of
loss and heartbreak as we all have. Maybe in the same way, maybe not, but I guarantee they've had some obstacles to endure. And they
aren’t perfect. Who knows, they might skip a run or a training day here or there. They might
indulge in Dairy Queen Blizzards and pizza. They may even be enduring personal struggles, their own unseen, unfolding real-life dramas happening right now. These bloggers are only posting what
they want to post. Which is their right. What they CHOOSE for us to see. More than likely, the good stuff. The pretty stuff. The positives. And
while we are all the same, we are all also so very unique. What works for her,
won’t necessarily work for you (or your baby, kids, family, etc.) or me. While I
applaud all women for their accomplishments, please don’t let anyone else's light outshine
your own. You are beautiful and strong. You will make it. Be proud of who you
are and what it has taken to become that woman. The path you chose (or didn't choose.) The hills and valleys. The tears and smiles. Phew... this is already feeling quite therapeutic! Be ready for more upcoming posts, because I have a lot on my mind. Just give me some time. And
prayers. Because I am far from perfect...
